A Parody of CM Fanfiction
by youdude
Summary: I really shouldn't have written this. It truly sucks. But anyway...as the title suggests, a short parody of fanfiction itself. T for swearing and non-graphic sex and rape. UPDATED and now officially COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters.**

**A/N: I am warning you: Do not waste three minutes of your life. You WILL regret reading this. It is a parody of fanfiction and badfics and just terrible. But I published it anyway.**

**XXX**

Spencer Reid stood at his desk, a syringe in his hand. "What are you doing?" his unit chief asked, entering the room.

The younger man looked up guiltily. "Nothing! I was just going over some files." The genius quickly skirted past Jack's suspicious father but was stopped.

"I need you to go interview a suspect."

The drug-addicted profiler sighed in relief. "Alright," he agreed, leaving to go interview a suspect while simultaneously finding a place to inject himself with the drug.

Meanwhile, in the conference room, the other profilers were going over the case.

"Now," David Rossi said. "I think we can definitely say that Mark James is a suspect."

The media liason nodded. "Yes. Oh! Wait, I just got an update. The other three suspects all have rock-hard alibis."

The unit chief groaned at the mention of 'rock-hard', his mind immediately thinking of the brunette profiler.

Everyone drank coffee for a few minutes, contemplating life in general, while the unit chief contemplated Emily.

Suddenly, Derek Morgan gasped. "Oh! Reid! Reid is interviewing Mark James! Damn it! What the fuck is wrong with this world? I hate everything about my life!"

The blonde furrowed her eyebrows. "Isn't this suspiciously like what happened to Spence with Tobias Hankel?"

"Shut up!" Suddenly, Jason Gideon reappeared, having been alerted to Reid's task of going to interview an unsub. "How can you think of repetitiveness at a time like this? Reid is interviewing an unsub!"

"Oh, no," the younger woman sobbed. "Poor Spence!"

"It's all my fault!" the unit chief cried, a single tear trickling down his cheek. "I sent him out."

"It's not your fault; it's mine!" the man who called Garcia 'baby-girl' said firmly. "Let's go. We don't have much time."

**A/N: This is an Author's Note. Just to say hi. So...hi! **

A short way away, Reid was interviewing Mark James. "Hello," the profiler said professionally.

"Hello," the unsub sneered. "Would you like to come into my home? I would prefer to conduct the interview indoors, you see."

The highly intelligent man thought back to the case files, and everything they knew: the unsub lured his victims into his house and then proceeded to repeatedly rape and torture them. "Okay," he agreed. "I'll come into your house."

The unsub raped and tortured the profiler. Meanwhile, the other FBI agents were speeding up to the house.

"FBI, open the door!" The agent who always kicked down doors kicked down the door.

The brunette woman went in, gun held aloft.

They found the man with an IQ of 187 lying broken on the floor, and arrested Mark Jacobs.

At the hospital, they all looked at each other guiltily. "How could we have let this happen?" The most experienced profiler who had written many books wailed.

The media liason wiped at her red eyes, her fingers trembling almost as much as the dark-haired female profiler's. "It's all our fault. We were supposed to protect Spence; Spence counted on us. Spence, oh Spence!" She sobbed broken-heartedly.

Derek Morgan stood up and punched several holes in the hospital wall.

While all this was going on, the unit chief noticed a small bruise on Emily's neck. "Prentiss, what is that?"

"Nothing," the younger woman answered. Jack's father immediately felt a surge of lust for this woman.

The man who lost his wife to the Reaper pushed the Ambassador's daughter into the toilet where they made passionate love to each other. After they fucked each other six times, they exited, completely in love with each other.

Suddenly, a phone call interrupted the silence.

"Who is it?" David Rossi picked up.

"This is Erin Strauss."

The profiler stood up angrily. "What do you want?"

"We are waiting here with Spence and you call us while Spence is in surgery?" The blonde gasped out, through her hyperventilating.

The black man stopped his tears for a second to yell at her. "We are a family! Nobody messes with our family! Leave us in peace!"

The director shook her head over the phone. "Get back to work! Now! All of you! I don't care what's happened!"

"WE ARE A FAMILY!" All of the profilers exploded, sobbing hysterically. "One of us is in pain and you want us to work?"

"You're all fired," the cruel woman said simply.

"What the hell!" Derek Morgan shouted, throwing a chair across the waiting room. "How the fuck are we supposed to do our fucking work while our family is in surgery? What the fuck does she want us to do?"

"I know what I want to do," Hotch said, licking his lips as Prentiss folded her legs over the chair.

**XXX**

**A/N: Lol okay this is completely weird and basically I decided to write this after I read the fiftieth fic with either:**

**-Everyone called 'The younger man' or 'The older profiler'**

**-Reid being incredibly stupid**

**-JJ always calling Reid 'Spence', with sentences constructed purely so the author can slip that in**

**-Profilers breaking down into piles of trembling, sobbing tears in seconds**

**-Author's note in the middle of the chapter (Thanks, kdzl!)**

**-The 'We are family' line**

**-Strauss being unbelievably inhuman**

**-Whatever pairing it is, the two people look at each other and suddenly they're overcome with lust, and have sex twelve times in like three hours**

**-Morgan going all emo and depressive**

**-Morgan punching or breaking stuff**

**-No Garcia!**

**-Gideon's sudden and inexplicable reappearance**

**-And, of course, Reid being raped and/or tortured and/or kidnapped**

**I am guilty of about four of them. =) Ha I don't even know why I wrote this but I figured I might as well publish it. I'll probably delete it later. Do you regret wasting three minutes of your life? You will never get it back!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: You lot really should have seen this coming...**

**Anyway, Merry Christmas!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own CM or any of the characters**

**XXX**

Suddenly, the genius' machine started beeping in the operating room.

"Charge it, 100!" The male doctor ordered.

He pressed the paddles to the dying man's chest, but nothing happened.

"Charge, 200!" the doctor said, and this time the beeps evened out. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, and the doctors resumed their operation.

Outside in the waiting room, the oldest profiler was staring at the media liason. "Don't you think she has a nice ass?" he asked his boss.

The unit chief rolled his eyes. "Honestly, you made that one slight innuendo the first time you met her, and now you keep repeating that!" He eyed the Ambassador's daughter hungrily.

"Hey, Spence's doctor is out," the blonde said, wiping her tears. "Oh, please, tell us, how is Spence? Is Spence okay? Did Spence make it?"

The doctor nodded grimly. "He will be fine. But for now, he needs lots of rest."

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

The next day, Jason Gideon had inexplicably disappeared again, and the young genius was out of the hospital, and back at work. He is going through cases with the woman who gives press conferences and all he is thinking about is drugs, when he sees something that makes his heart feel like it is going to burst.

"Jayje, who is THAT?" he asks, gawking at the woman. His heart thuds painfully in his chest.

The communications co-ordinator looks up. "Oh, Spence, that's Jessica Swan, Spence, and she's a new recruit to the BAU. Spence, she's a genius too, Spence."

The highly intelligent man drooled, and walked over to the new recruit. "Hi."

She looked down shyly. "Hi."

Just then, Rossi will come up to them, and he will give them both a look of knowing. "We have a case that came straight to Hotch," he will say, glancing at them both. They will follow him into the conference room.

They all walked into the press conference room, where the male genius sat down while his female friend stood awkwardly and finally decided to sit next to him.

"Here is our case!" the unit chief said. "It is in Louisville, Kentucky, which-"

"-is the largest city in Kentucky, has a population of 721, 594 and is most well-known for the Kentucky Derby, the widely-watched first race of the Triple Crown of Thoroughbred Racing. It..." she trails off, and looks awkward.

"Wow," says the brunette female profiler.

The unit chief swoons. "That's what you said when we had sex the first time!" He goes rock-hard for the fifth time that morning, and retires to his office to send his lover dirty texts.

"You're a genius too," said the media liaison, who is a little jealous.

"I can read twenty thousand words a minute, I have an eidetic memory, and an IQ of 186," she said.

"Well, what do you know?" the oldest profiler is going to say. "Reid here has an IQ of 18_7_."

"Oh, that is so cool!" she is going to gasp. "Now I have someone I can share my feelings of social rejection with! And guess what?"

"What?" the profiler whose initials are DM will say.

"My _dad _is a paranoid schizophrenic! Not my mom, because that would be way too much of a coincidence and unbelievable."

The one who is called Spence will hug her, and they immediately fell in love and lives happily ever after for eternity, with little mini-Reids and mini-Jessicas.

**XXX**

**A/N:**

**Tense changes, sometimes in the middle of the paragraph (for anyone who is confused, the future parts were tense changes)**

**The OC love interest who is SO like Reid, but not completely (thank you, Fairytopia!)**

**Gideon's arrival, and then his disappearance**

**Reid's drug addiction magically disappears when he meets aforementioned OC**

**Reid, or any other character, dying**


End file.
